On the way to Scott's...

I was driving to Scott’s house this morning to pick up sound equipment for worship on the Pinnicle and on the way there I went into a trance. Not to long ago, when I came to New Hampshire, I would go into trances almost every time I drove somewhere or at random times throughout the day. I would just space out standing in a room, or in the middle of the kitchen, either I would be drawing a blank, or God would be speaking to me. However, this morning, all I remember is coming out of the trance. I don’t remember what I was thinking, or where I went, or where I even was at in that moment. I couldn’t have been away for too long, because I remember yielding at a sign before a crossroad. After that, I was somewheres else. It was as though I blacked out or “fell asleep” and then suddenly woke up realizing I was driving. I started to freak out asking David where I was at and if we had passed Scott’s house and he and Andy were looking at me weird thinking I was crazy, saying, “We haven’t even gotten to his house yet!” I finally came to my senses, and found where I was at… still going straight ahead.

I’m not sure why that happened other than He was letting me know He is with me. Maybe he was sealing information in my spirit, I'm not sure, I was blacked out! It was an odd way of speaking to me, but to be honest, I liked that He did it the way He did. I am finding He speaks to me in such strange ways...

Anyway, I thought I would share with ya'll a good Sunday story... :)

Peace,

James

 

A Tale of Three Kings

We were discussing the book, A Tale of Three Kings this morning and how it applied to us in our lives. The interns had some great points and stories on how they related to the book, and the places they felt like a David under a Saul. I noted that growing up I was more of a Saul with a chip on my shoulder and a defensive heart. I was in love with control, imprisoned by my desperate need for being lord over my kingdom (soul) and was far from the awareness of my sickness. I am battling this more than ever before, willing to leave all that God has for me, the very destiny I was created for, because of fear and my need for control. It's frustrating to understand why I do the things I do, but am not able to embrace truth and love. In order to be able to even embrace the Spirit I have to let go. It is impossible to follow God and still be lord. "Lose your life and you will gain it, however if you keep your life, you will lose it." 

My family would tease me about about a family video when I was maybe 3. I had this toy that I just got for Christmas and apparently, I loved it! It was a vacuum bopper... (Now being an uncle and playing with my niece and nephews, I have found that this is probably the loudest toy of them all!)

My Dad says on the video, "Watch this... Hey James can I see that?" I shake my head and run away saying, "No!" 

I continued with the same heart growing up with my over indulgence of candy. My mom always had a snack drawer full of candy, and my grandma, being like any other grandma who loves to spoil her grandkids, had double the amount at her house. Let me tell you, thats a lot of candy... Some of you might think this is funny, but I held my candy at high respect, meaning: I didn't like to share! My Dad would buy my sibs and I some candy and the joke was, "Hey James, can I have some candy?" After a while I would be willing to share and give them one, maybe two skittles. :) 

I share these stories to illustrate, in a more amusing way, the position of my heart. I believe one of the reasons why David was so broken and struggled with Saul was that he saw the same heart issues within himself that he recognized in Saul. Instead of attacking back, David broke because He understood love. I desire to love as David loved, both my enemies and friends. To choose them before I choose myself, to not put on a face to protect myself, or swing to the other side and shut everyone out. I desire to give Him my delusion of control, and find rest in grace and acceptance. 

I've never been very good at writing how I feel. I am afraid of revealing my true heart to people, and the reality of my struggles of desiring to love, but always choosing myself over even the closest of people, my friends. Issues of the heart that I have understood intellectually are being challenged more than ever before... they have become my everyday experience in relationships, not just my thoughts and meditations throughout the day. 

I have just realized how paralyzed I allow myself to be because of my "self"consciousness, because of my introspection. I can get so caught up in what people think about me, my rejection, that I miss out on just being me. I can't say that I am myself too often... especially these days. To be totally honest, a lot of the times I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, and like a separate person outside of myself, I'm looking at me feeling uncomfortable! I have never felt so weak, fearful, rejected, and hurt in my life, especially now since I feel this way every day. I used to feel relief being able to get away from church people, or those who I'm "close" to and hang out with street people, give a word, or help them with issues they don't understand, but now I feel so dysfunctional, I can't connect with anyone... I will read in the Bible and my paradigm will be crushed! I will read verses as simple as, "Jesus goes to the Father" and crumble by the fact that, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! What does that mean!? Who are you!? For some reason my logic got thrown out and I can't make sense of realities that seem to be normal christian talk. (My question is, if the Bible has become normal christian talk, why aren't we changing? Why aren't we influencing people?) The fascinating connections between heaven and earth, the angelic realm, the incredible insight the apostles had on love and truth are astounding! Their words bring me peace and relief, yet to apply them to my life is impossible... I need grace..

About the craziness I feel constantly, it's not even that I get thrown into an experience and touched by the Lord, I just don't know where to begin to understand the reality or the radicalness of our God! How can I be sitting in the presence of the Lord and my soul be filled with fear? Not the fear of the Lord; that is clean. It is a selfish fear. It says, "I won't let you in because you will take my life, I won't have control anymore. I won't be able to pursue my lusts anymore!" If I let the Lord in my life, that means I'm not god anymore! Even though I am aware of His love and that He is faithful, I reject Him because then I have to rely upon Him... then I am actually in true relationship, open and vulnerable, at the hand of His mercy..

peace,

James

My messy life...

A little over a year ago I started journaling so that I could process issues of my soul and "spirit". That is, in my soul, the emotions I felt in different circumstances with people or the feelings I have in different places, and also the thoughts that went through my mind to gain understanding of why I felt, thought and did the things I did. I also would write down wisdom and revelation the Lord gave me and processed what He was sharing with me. I feel in starting to journal, it opened a whole new reality to me, or what I think sometimes, "a whole can of worms". I can kind of compare it to what Morpheous asks Neo about the red pill, "Take the red pill and see how far the rabbit hole goes." I have taken the red pill, and my eyes have been opened to the reality of this world and its affect on us. 

I have been feeling the Lord pressing me to start writing publicly for about 5 months now and have wrestled him because I would rather keep silent and my thoughts to myself, in my own journal. But see, its not working... When I try to process in my journal, I feel like I get nowhere and I don't feel fulfilled.  I have been eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and at first it was good, I was gaining all of this knowledge. But I feel so unsatisfied and actually alone. This is why I want to share what I am going through and, in a way, be accountable and in communion. Most of what I have done has been of the soul in dealing with the mind, will, and emotions. What I want is to learn how to love, and I cannot do that alone in my thoughts...