My messy life...

A little over a year ago I started journaling so that I could process issues of my soul and "spirit". That is, in my soul, the emotions I felt in different circumstances with people or the feelings I have in different places, and also the thoughts that went through my mind to gain understanding of why I felt, thought and did the things I did. I also would write down wisdom and revelation the Lord gave me and processed what He was sharing with me. I feel in starting to journal, it opened a whole new reality to me, or what I think sometimes, "a whole can of worms". I can kind of compare it to what Morpheous asks Neo about the red pill, "Take the red pill and see how far the rabbit hole goes." I have taken the red pill, and my eyes have been opened to the reality of this world and its affect on us. 

I have been feeling the Lord pressing me to start writing publicly for about 5 months now and have wrestled him because I would rather keep silent and my thoughts to myself, in my own journal. But see, its not working... When I try to process in my journal, I feel like I get nowhere and I don't feel fulfilled.  I have been eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and at first it was good, I was gaining all of this knowledge. But I feel so unsatisfied and actually alone. This is why I want to share what I am going through and, in a way, be accountable and in communion. Most of what I have done has been of the soul in dealing with the mind, will, and emotions. What I want is to learn how to love, and I cannot do that alone in my thoughts...