I've never been very good at writing how I feel. I am afraid of revealing my true heart to people, and the reality of my struggles of desiring to love, but always choosing myself over even the closest of people, my friends. Issues of the heart that I have understood intellectually are being challenged more than ever before... they have become my everyday experience in relationships, not just my thoughts and meditations throughout the day. 

I have just realized how paralyzed I allow myself to be because of my "self"consciousness, because of my introspection. I can get so caught up in what people think about me, my rejection, that I miss out on just being me. I can't say that I am myself too often... especially these days. To be totally honest, a lot of the times I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable, and like a separate person outside of myself, I'm looking at me feeling uncomfortable! I have never felt so weak, fearful, rejected, and hurt in my life, especially now since I feel this way every day. I used to feel relief being able to get away from church people, or those who I'm "close" to and hang out with street people, give a word, or help them with issues they don't understand, but now I feel so dysfunctional, I can't connect with anyone... I will read in the Bible and my paradigm will be crushed! I will read verses as simple as, "Jesus goes to the Father" and crumble by the fact that, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! What does that mean!? Who are you!? For some reason my logic got thrown out and I can't make sense of realities that seem to be normal christian talk. (My question is, if the Bible has become normal christian talk, why aren't we changing? Why aren't we influencing people?) The fascinating connections between heaven and earth, the angelic realm, the incredible insight the apostles had on love and truth are astounding! Their words bring me peace and relief, yet to apply them to my life is impossible... I need grace..

About the craziness I feel constantly, it's not even that I get thrown into an experience and touched by the Lord, I just don't know where to begin to understand the reality or the radicalness of our God! How can I be sitting in the presence of the Lord and my soul be filled with fear? Not the fear of the Lord; that is clean. It is a selfish fear. It says, "I won't let you in because you will take my life, I won't have control anymore. I won't be able to pursue my lusts anymore!" If I let the Lord in my life, that means I'm not god anymore! Even though I am aware of His love and that He is faithful, I reject Him because then I have to rely upon Him... then I am actually in true relationship, open and vulnerable, at the hand of His mercy..

peace,

James

My messy life...

A little over a year ago I started journaling so that I could process issues of my soul and "spirit". That is, in my soul, the emotions I felt in different circumstances with people or the feelings I have in different places, and also the thoughts that went through my mind to gain understanding of why I felt, thought and did the things I did. I also would write down wisdom and revelation the Lord gave me and processed what He was sharing with me. I feel in starting to journal, it opened a whole new reality to me, or what I think sometimes, "a whole can of worms". I can kind of compare it to what Morpheous asks Neo about the red pill, "Take the red pill and see how far the rabbit hole goes." I have taken the red pill, and my eyes have been opened to the reality of this world and its affect on us. 

I have been feeling the Lord pressing me to start writing publicly for about 5 months now and have wrestled him because I would rather keep silent and my thoughts to myself, in my own journal. But see, its not working... When I try to process in my journal, I feel like I get nowhere and I don't feel fulfilled.  I have been eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and at first it was good, I was gaining all of this knowledge. But I feel so unsatisfied and actually alone. This is why I want to share what I am going through and, in a way, be accountable and in communion. Most of what I have done has been of the soul in dealing with the mind, will, and emotions. What I want is to learn how to love, and I cannot do that alone in my thoughts...